Saturday, January 16, 2010
medyo masayang gabi sa inyong lahat
shit...ganito pala talaga manghinayang...di ako makapag-ingles...wow...sayang talaga yung kanina...tae gusto ko talagang bumalik eh...usap pa sana tayo...haaay...bakit kasi andun si kuya eh...wrong timing ka...kahit man lng sana mga limang minuto pa...buwiset talaga...haaay uli...nakita ko uli ngiti niya...wow,...haha... masama pa naman pakiramdam ko kaninang tanghali...tuluyan nang nawala...haha... medyo masaya pala na sobrang nakakahinayang...aaah tae... napaka-casual pa naman nung pakikipagusap ko...akala mo hindi sobrang tuwa...hahaha...haaayyy...masaya pa rin naman...ngayon lang uli...hahaha...kahit man almost less than 10 minutes lng yun...at least kahit dun man lang sa pagtawid...sa halos 20 tapak ng sapatos...sa iilang kataga...wow...sana lng meron uli na ganun...haayy...ang gulo tae...
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
pampatulog ko...this is a strange drug...
My mouth's frothing with gibberish words, the kind that seems to put me in no mood to continue punishing my sleep-deprived eyes and delaying my attempts at another oneironotic escape, but im pretending to be insomniac today, and actually i can be pretty good with faking my sleeplessness, if only i knew really the reason behind my restless nights with my head tucked under my comfy pillow, with earpieces tugged, as i try to drown my sanity with the bright ringing drones of the knife's heartbeat or animal collective's fireworks or put myself in trance with explosion in the sky's elegant crescendos and post-rock grandiosity just to finally able to put me in sleep.
my mind's buzzing a strange staccato noise,almost like how a refrigerator hums during the wee hours of midnight, keeping me awake, with my beloved wooden sofa chair still calmly waiting to embrace my horizontalness, and myself embracing the moment of nothingness and ennui, while in front of a monitor, which may or may not suck the hell out of my mediocre life, or perhaps poison my mind, spew a few venom that might tempt me to visit the internet's infamous red light district, typing words while trying to salvage something from complete anonymity...or obscurity...
and i'm loving the subtlety of the new year's midnights, its stillness and the seventh midnight's folly attempt at fortuity. it doesn't work anymore i guess, perhaps not right now, not at least without my recurring anxieties, which has finally deteriorated a few years ago, or even my tongue's ulcers and sores after every chance encounters with my bicuspids and molars, this isn't the year anymore nor is it the right time, and i never was the person i thought i could be, even when i loved all those movies and music and read all those amazing books that you too should have watched listened and read.
This is not the sound of a new man or crispy realization, its the sound just like the strange hums of our refrigerator, concealing frigid airs and worthless mementos , and icicles that pierces through my buzzing mind, shivering in its own bloody pool of vapid flesh, it is just humming along, drowning by numbers...and my abstract motor gave up in an attempt to sleep...
And the sound you hear are gibberish, so much for our chance encounters 30 feet apart, for every failed hellos and unsaid goodbyes, for my typical bullshits that may fade fast into obscurity and might really really meander like a restless wind somewhere, unseen,forgotten, and, uh, nevermind. i already wasted 30 minutes of my time, and i still havent reached my point, perhaps, it really doesn't have one, or lets just assume it did have one, like everything else that somehow i try to enliven when i could really be sound asleep flat in my back dreaming, but my buzzing mind could use some assumption even when all it really does is shoot myself in the foot. everything else, in the end, may not really mean anything at all, and ironically that's what this whole thing really means.
*addendum: anberlin is a great band, and their lead singer, Stephen Christian is probably one of the best guys i will never probably meet in the entire existence of my life, but will still be one of those that really influenced me most in my life, mostly two years ago...and its a shame i never listened to them enough to compensate how he affected my life...yeah thank you internet...and blogspot...his latest post is really spot-on...and honestly, his life is really how i really wished my life could have been...or will be sometime in the future...but for now, i will enjoy my disturbing life...going nowhere fast...
**addendum uli, di ko talaga magustuhan ang lasa nang beer...leche, haha, ayan tuloy 98% na lang ang sobriety level ko...speaking of leche, gusto ko nang leche flan...
my mind's buzzing a strange staccato noise,almost like how a refrigerator hums during the wee hours of midnight, keeping me awake, with my beloved wooden sofa chair still calmly waiting to embrace my horizontalness, and myself embracing the moment of nothingness and ennui, while in front of a monitor, which may or may not suck the hell out of my mediocre life, or perhaps poison my mind, spew a few venom that might tempt me to visit the internet's infamous red light district, typing words while trying to salvage something from complete anonymity...or obscurity...
and i'm loving the subtlety of the new year's midnights, its stillness and the seventh midnight's folly attempt at fortuity. it doesn't work anymore i guess, perhaps not right now, not at least without my recurring anxieties, which has finally deteriorated a few years ago, or even my tongue's ulcers and sores after every chance encounters with my bicuspids and molars, this isn't the year anymore nor is it the right time, and i never was the person i thought i could be, even when i loved all those movies and music and read all those amazing books that you too should have watched listened and read.
This is not the sound of a new man or crispy realization, its the sound just like the strange hums of our refrigerator, concealing frigid airs and worthless mementos , and icicles that pierces through my buzzing mind, shivering in its own bloody pool of vapid flesh, it is just humming along, drowning by numbers...and my abstract motor gave up in an attempt to sleep...
And the sound you hear are gibberish, so much for our chance encounters 30 feet apart, for every failed hellos and unsaid goodbyes, for my typical bullshits that may fade fast into obscurity and might really really meander like a restless wind somewhere, unseen,forgotten, and, uh, nevermind. i already wasted 30 minutes of my time, and i still havent reached my point, perhaps, it really doesn't have one, or lets just assume it did have one, like everything else that somehow i try to enliven when i could really be sound asleep flat in my back dreaming, but my buzzing mind could use some assumption even when all it really does is shoot myself in the foot. everything else, in the end, may not really mean anything at all, and ironically that's what this whole thing really means.
*addendum: anberlin is a great band, and their lead singer, Stephen Christian is probably one of the best guys i will never probably meet in the entire existence of my life, but will still be one of those that really influenced me most in my life, mostly two years ago...and its a shame i never listened to them enough to compensate how he affected my life...yeah thank you internet...and blogspot...his latest post is really spot-on...and honestly, his life is really how i really wished my life could have been...or will be sometime in the future...but for now, i will enjoy my disturbing life...going nowhere fast...
**addendum uli, di ko talaga magustuhan ang lasa nang beer...leche, haha, ayan tuloy 98% na lang ang sobriety level ko...speaking of leche, gusto ko nang leche flan...
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
happy new year sa mga hindi nagbabasa nito...pakisabi na lang na binati ko sila...
"So this is the new year...and I don't feel any different"
mag babagong taon na naman, at wala nang nangyayari sa buhay ko, bukod sa kakadownload at panonood nang sangkatutak na movies(bale maganda pala talaga yung spirited away, hindi ko pa napapanood yung almost famous, gusto ko uli panoorin yung annie hall, at favorite movie ko pa rinang eternal sunshine of a spotless mind)...nakapanghihinayang tae, at nakakalungkot, at mas nakakapanghinayang pa yung wala kang magawa...nadedecompose na ko...nostalgia is a strange painful monster...and i can't compete with my memory... and yes, i can never live in a carpe diem manner, it is reserved for either those who read self-help or motivational books or those that never have been his memory's bitch, and no, i can never live for an uncertain future too, and the mere thought of it seems to contort every brain cells inside my head, this is how inglorious my life has become, and you are still in my memory, haunting my thoughts still giving me a slight sense of false hope, and the dumb still keeps on wishing for it to come true, for the umpteenth time, and still will be surprised for the most obvious outcome... and really, i don't want to come back to school anymore, and i mean it in the most somber and sincerest with a slight hint of regret tone...and i still keep believing on the same myth, still thinking i really have the right to complain for every self-made mistakes while being irrelevant for almost a decade of my own existence...nalulungkot talaga ako sa sarili ko, at iba pa yun dun sa talagang lungkot na nararamdaman ko...bale disappointed...basta pakiramdam ko talaga may potential ako eh, at dapat talaga wala yung mga ganito eh, maling mali eh...kahit saang anggulo tingnan...
nakakaintimidate pala ang new year...at umaasa pa rin ako na matutupad ko na talaga yung new year's resolution ko na pinasulat pa samin sa intermediate paper nung grade 6 pa ko...medyo 8 years late na ata...kya walang nangyayari sakin eh...at least botante na ko...iboboto ko si manny villar kasi siya ang totoong mahirap...bullshit...o kaya si noynoy na lang kasi...ah eh...ewan...at di ko rin alam kun bakit sila ang top two sa mga survey...medyo grim din pala ang 2010 nang pulitika nang pinas...haha...
happy new year na lang
at di pa rin ako magaling magbasketball
di pa rin marunong gumamit ng gitara
comsci pa rin ako
ah shit...sakit sa ulo nung pangatlo...sakit din isipin...buwiset...
And inside the mirror,
well I saw you stamping
staring out
I'd recognize your eyes
You fell for any of the lines that come flying out.
Nothing I've heard from you sounds sane or safe.
Words falling down from the ceiling
where the mirror is stealing
the light to reveal us both tonight
and we're both kneeling in the
black pool of your shadow.
mag babagong taon na naman, at wala nang nangyayari sa buhay ko, bukod sa kakadownload at panonood nang sangkatutak na movies(bale maganda pala talaga yung spirited away, hindi ko pa napapanood yung almost famous, gusto ko uli panoorin yung annie hall, at favorite movie ko pa rinang eternal sunshine of a spotless mind)...nakapanghihinayang tae, at nakakalungkot, at mas nakakapanghinayang pa yung wala kang magawa...nadedecompose na ko...nostalgia is a strange painful monster...and i can't compete with my memory... and yes, i can never live in a carpe diem manner, it is reserved for either those who read self-help or motivational books or those that never have been his memory's bitch, and no, i can never live for an uncertain future too, and the mere thought of it seems to contort every brain cells inside my head, this is how inglorious my life has become, and you are still in my memory, haunting my thoughts still giving me a slight sense of false hope, and the dumb still keeps on wishing for it to come true, for the umpteenth time, and still will be surprised for the most obvious outcome... and really, i don't want to come back to school anymore, and i mean it in the most somber and sincerest with a slight hint of regret tone...and i still keep believing on the same myth, still thinking i really have the right to complain for every self-made mistakes while being irrelevant for almost a decade of my own existence...nalulungkot talaga ako sa sarili ko, at iba pa yun dun sa talagang lungkot na nararamdaman ko...bale disappointed...basta pakiramdam ko talaga may potential ako eh, at dapat talaga wala yung mga ganito eh, maling mali eh...kahit saang anggulo tingnan...
nakakaintimidate pala ang new year...at umaasa pa rin ako na matutupad ko na talaga yung new year's resolution ko na pinasulat pa samin sa intermediate paper nung grade 6 pa ko...medyo 8 years late na ata...kya walang nangyayari sakin eh...at least botante na ko...iboboto ko si manny villar kasi siya ang totoong mahirap...bullshit...o kaya si noynoy na lang kasi...ah eh...ewan...at di ko rin alam kun bakit sila ang top two sa mga survey...medyo grim din pala ang 2010 nang pulitika nang pinas...haha...
happy new year na lang
at di pa rin ako magaling magbasketball
di pa rin marunong gumamit ng gitara
comsci pa rin ako
ah shit...sakit sa ulo nung pangatlo...sakit din isipin...buwiset...
And inside the mirror,
well I saw you stamping
staring out
I'd recognize your eyes
You fell for any of the lines that come flying out.
Nothing I've heard from you sounds sane or safe.
Words falling down from the ceiling
where the mirror is stealing
the light to reveal us both tonight
and we're both kneeling in the
black pool of your shadow.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Napaka-EHH nitong post na to...sa totoo lang...tinatamad na talaga ako...
Pasko na, makukulay ang kislap nang bawat ilaw at bituin sa labas, pero pula ang kulay nang mata mo. Teka huwag kang tumulo ngayon, masakit sa pakiramdam ngunit pinilit niyang pigilan ang sarili. huwag sa Pasko, huwag sa masayang araw na ito, nakakahiya, pero malamig na naman ang bawat sandali...bakit ganito tuwing pasko? ang tanong mo sa sarili, di ko alam ang sagot, pero siguro napapanahon lang yun, naalala ko na naman siya, pero ikaw walang naalala... mahirap magkunwari, lalo na ngayong araw, nahihirapan ka na, at basa na naman ang panyo mo, di ko alam ang gagawin ko, di mo naman ako kelangan, mas kelangan mo ang panyo kesa sakin ngayong pasko...
alam ko ang nararamdaman mo, pareho tayo nang kalagayan, nakalulungkot, pero di tayo pedeng magkasama ngayong pasko, at heto na naman ako nagpipigil nang bawat pagtulo sa harap nang mga bisitang di ko kilala... di mo siguro kinaya ang lamig nang hangin, oo nakakainis, pero huwag ka nang uminom nang alak, makakasama lang yan... lilipas din ito, pero nakalulungkot dahil pagdating nang bukas wala na ang Pasko, pero sana hindi na mapungay ang mata mo, matulog ka na, huwag ka nang mag-alala, ayos lang ako, at sawa na rin ako sa pagsinga sa panyo, mawawala din ito, malamig lang talaga, at malas lang dahil PAsko na...at minsan iniisip ko sana wala kang sipon...dahil, hindi ko alam, basta...Maligayang Pasko...Sinisipon ako...
*isa sa mga gusto kong banda last year ung Page France, sayang disband na sila...bigla ko lang naalala...medyo cool din ung mga lyrics nila...haha sayang ung vocals nsa cotton jones basket ride na (cotton jones na lang)...pero mas sikat pa rin si lady gaga sa kanila...at mas considered na may talent ata...teka...mukhang mgnda lyrics nila khit minsan di ko maintindihan...
You, me, and all the kings and queens
Buried in the junkyard,
And every time the herald Cherub sings
We rattle with the car parts
I was born to lie here patiently
Be dragged on by the black star
And you were told to glow majestically
And love until your hands bleed
You stole your mother's whitest gown
Swallowed like a sunbeam
And I stole your father's crusted crown
It shook us like a bad dream
They warned to lie impatiently
Waiting for the big swing
And you were more than dressing for a feast
Eat until your teeth bleed
Oh my royalty my hand goes out to you
You look painfully true
But I saw you cry
Like you used to laugh
When you looked around
Were you looking back
At a lonely love
As to sprouting beans
No one's quite as bloom
As they play to be
I would love to stay
But my work is through
I'm the truest song
That was never true
alam ko ang nararamdaman mo, pareho tayo nang kalagayan, nakalulungkot, pero di tayo pedeng magkasama ngayong pasko, at heto na naman ako nagpipigil nang bawat pagtulo sa harap nang mga bisitang di ko kilala... di mo siguro kinaya ang lamig nang hangin, oo nakakainis, pero huwag ka nang uminom nang alak, makakasama lang yan... lilipas din ito, pero nakalulungkot dahil pagdating nang bukas wala na ang Pasko, pero sana hindi na mapungay ang mata mo, matulog ka na, huwag ka nang mag-alala, ayos lang ako, at sawa na rin ako sa pagsinga sa panyo, mawawala din ito, malamig lang talaga, at malas lang dahil PAsko na...at minsan iniisip ko sana wala kang sipon...dahil, hindi ko alam, basta...Maligayang Pasko...Sinisipon ako...
*isa sa mga gusto kong banda last year ung Page France, sayang disband na sila...bigla ko lang naalala...medyo cool din ung mga lyrics nila...haha sayang ung vocals nsa cotton jones basket ride na (cotton jones na lang)...pero mas sikat pa rin si lady gaga sa kanila...at mas considered na may talent ata...teka...mukhang mgnda lyrics nila khit minsan di ko maintindihan...
You, me, and all the kings and queens
Buried in the junkyard,
And every time the herald Cherub sings
We rattle with the car parts
I was born to lie here patiently
Be dragged on by the black star
And you were told to glow majestically
And love until your hands bleed
You stole your mother's whitest gown
Swallowed like a sunbeam
And I stole your father's crusted crown
It shook us like a bad dream
They warned to lie impatiently
Waiting for the big swing
And you were more than dressing for a feast
Eat until your teeth bleed
Oh my royalty my hand goes out to you
You look painfully true
But I saw you cry
Like you used to laugh
When you looked around
Were you looking back
At a lonely love
As to sprouting beans
No one's quite as bloom
As they play to be
I would love to stay
But my work is through
I'm the truest song
That was never true
Sunday, November 29, 2009
ito ung mga gabing nakikinig ako sa mountain goats...
love is a silhouette of a five-legged spider
a sweaty shadow lurking deeper in the dark
love moves in 2/4 times signature
lost in the caterwauls of two drunk sonuvabitches
"and true love waits in haunted attics..."
in an empty marble house longing for a lonely cozy home
love tries to live in below zero centigrade
trying hard to be the first chilly December Yuletide breeze
"love is speaking in code...it's an inside joke..."
'and not some fucking blood on the receiver'
love is in every failed attempts
laughing heartily at every awkward silly moments
and love hides in ice creams and chocolate cookies
and love shows in cold tongues and sweet teeth and wide smiles
love is a fungus growing in the edges of her face
in her photograph waiting in a dark corner for your gaze
love sometimes blooms two years after your last drive home
lingering alone in sloppy handwritings and cheesy one liners
love stays in filthy dumps and rotting wastes
staying longer than the stench odors of a forgotten birthday dinner
love belongs in old dollhouse and toy soldiers
in abandoned boxes, collecting dusts and breeding little creatures
love floats in a styro cup served with warm coffee
in that cold summer breeze one starless night
love creeps in every vain attempt at nostalgia
illumines brightly in your present lowly existence
love is sometimes in twelve empty beer bottles
in every absorbed nicotine in long nights of ecstasy
love isn't always in five hour movie marathon
and in mushy love song set countless hours in repeat
love is behind bars, in broken kneecap, in the barrel of a gun,
and in the countless haymakers to an enemy's face
in thousand cheers or in million thousand cash swindled or stolen
or in raging wars and brutal bloodsheds
love isn't always fair but always tries to be true
it isn't always good but then always tries to be reasonable even if it isn't
love is in fake smiles fake ideals and fake British accents
love is in everythin, in metaphors and in wild lashes of belt strap
it often never falls in spite of the gravity, often covered in dirt and
often hides from the eyes of romantic poets and sadistic murderers
love isn't always the sweetest thing,
love sometimes speaks in a hint of sarcasm and irony
and love isn't always the same
and isn't always what you know or what fucking cheesy bullshit you say even in your most sincerest tone in a social networking site no less
love is not what i thought of it and what i type in here
it's somewhere far away from here trying to prove i am right half of the time
"Some moments last forever
And some flare out with love love love "
-mountain goats
a sweaty shadow lurking deeper in the dark
love moves in 2/4 times signature
lost in the caterwauls of two drunk sonuvabitches
"and true love waits in haunted attics..."
in an empty marble house longing for a lonely cozy home
love tries to live in below zero centigrade
trying hard to be the first chilly December Yuletide breeze
"love is speaking in code...it's an inside joke..."
'and not some fucking blood on the receiver'
love is in every failed attempts
laughing heartily at every awkward silly moments
and love hides in ice creams and chocolate cookies
and love shows in cold tongues and sweet teeth and wide smiles
love is a fungus growing in the edges of her face
in her photograph waiting in a dark corner for your gaze
love sometimes blooms two years after your last drive home
lingering alone in sloppy handwritings and cheesy one liners
love stays in filthy dumps and rotting wastes
staying longer than the stench odors of a forgotten birthday dinner
love belongs in old dollhouse and toy soldiers
in abandoned boxes, collecting dusts and breeding little creatures
love floats in a styro cup served with warm coffee
in that cold summer breeze one starless night
love creeps in every vain attempt at nostalgia
illumines brightly in your present lowly existence
love is sometimes in twelve empty beer bottles
in every absorbed nicotine in long nights of ecstasy
love isn't always in five hour movie marathon
and in mushy love song set countless hours in repeat
love is behind bars, in broken kneecap, in the barrel of a gun,
and in the countless haymakers to an enemy's face
in thousand cheers or in million thousand cash swindled or stolen
or in raging wars and brutal bloodsheds
love isn't always fair but always tries to be true
it isn't always good but then always tries to be reasonable even if it isn't
love is in fake smiles fake ideals and fake British accents
love is in everythin, in metaphors and in wild lashes of belt strap
it often never falls in spite of the gravity, often covered in dirt and
often hides from the eyes of romantic poets and sadistic murderers
love isn't always the sweetest thing,
love sometimes speaks in a hint of sarcasm and irony
and love isn't always the same
and isn't always what you know or what fucking cheesy bullshit you say even in your most sincerest tone in a social networking site no less
love is not what i thought of it and what i type in here
it's somewhere far away from here trying to prove i am right half of the time
"Some moments last forever
And some flare out with love love love "
-mountain goats
Monday, November 16, 2009
pacman fever...haha
Damn Pacman is really great, and that understatement still baffles the hell out of me, and with a country proud of their lineage (no matter how minimal the blood heritage maybe) and starved for a mythological hero that could at least put the forlorn third world country into the world's collective consciousness, there stood the man, in a brutal sport no less, putting the red white and blue firmly into the map, and straight into the boxing's glorious history after another scintillating performance that transcends the brutal bloody sport as a whole. And as an ardent boxing fan that followed his career with expectations of him being just another world champion in the mold of luisito espinosa, this is just an orgiastic moment, with my Filipino blood ecstatic witnessing a compatriot elevating himself into the territory reserved for such boxing greats as ali, robinson, hearns, the plateau of greats that displayed their skills, although unlike them, pacman did it in the most awkward and frenetic way that may astound and make boxing experts scratch their head. His boxing isn't boxing 101, no crisp jabs no sound footwork, no fundamentals, he is a controlled chaos, punishing bigger opponents in a way that they have never witnessed. and my favorite boricuan fighter is now reduced to a grim sordid mess of flesh and blood, still trying to find where the punch slipped into his vaunted defense and into his stoic expressionless face. he isn't just espinosa, or even a penalosa, he is our vindication, the messianic figure that saved our sport from futility, the vindication for every losses Philippine boxing has endured (which includes being cooked mostly by our neighboring countries) this is the cathartic moment that should be savored until the man decides to run in a different surface, a different terrain, preparing for a different opponent who may or may not know a thing or two about right hooks or left jabs.
he is really really great, and i am still baffled by that understatement. damn. his face and smiles and exuberance should not be of an all time great boxer, it just isn't fair, he is a monster, he isn't even intimidating and i wouldn't even be scared of him after seeing how he waves to the crowd minutes before a freaking brutal slugfest against a bigger guy that looks cold-blooded and is ready to unload punishment. he even trained amidst a plethora of distractions,filming a movie and being hampered by a typhoon, and yet he demolished his supposed biggest challenger to date and stamped his class all over his face. he is unreal. i am just in awe.
wala na ko masabi...haha...ayan na naman ung commercial niya...at ung nanay niya...oo na hindi na siya pambansang bayani... oo na nakakairita ung pagmumukha nang pamilya niya na di ko rin alam kung bakit nasa tv... pero sa totoo lang mas mukhang pinoy na pinoy pa si pacquiao kesa sa karamihan satin...kitang kita mo pagkapinoy niya eh...not just in broken english and botched grammars...at sa mga composed na kanta ni lito camo... buti pa nga siya classy eh...naiirita tlga ako sa mga cynics minsan... di ko makuha ang punto nila... tingin ko naman mas mahirap yung di ka nakapag-aral ksi sobrang hirap kayo, tapos nagboxing, naging kulay tae ang buhok, naging kulay kalawang, at sa huli naging magaling na boksingero...marahil kung naranasan ko yun, malamang gugustuhin ko ring mag artista at tumulong sa kapwa, kahit na hindi ko alam ang ginagawa ko...
he is really really great, and i am still baffled by that understatement. damn. his face and smiles and exuberance should not be of an all time great boxer, it just isn't fair, he is a monster, he isn't even intimidating and i wouldn't even be scared of him after seeing how he waves to the crowd minutes before a freaking brutal slugfest against a bigger guy that looks cold-blooded and is ready to unload punishment. he even trained amidst a plethora of distractions,filming a movie and being hampered by a typhoon, and yet he demolished his supposed biggest challenger to date and stamped his class all over his face. he is unreal. i am just in awe.
wala na ko masabi...haha...ayan na naman ung commercial niya...at ung nanay niya...oo na hindi na siya pambansang bayani... oo na nakakairita ung pagmumukha nang pamilya niya na di ko rin alam kung bakit nasa tv... pero sa totoo lang mas mukhang pinoy na pinoy pa si pacquiao kesa sa karamihan satin...kitang kita mo pagkapinoy niya eh...not just in broken english and botched grammars...at sa mga composed na kanta ni lito camo... buti pa nga siya classy eh...naiirita tlga ako sa mga cynics minsan... di ko makuha ang punto nila... tingin ko naman mas mahirap yung di ka nakapag-aral ksi sobrang hirap kayo, tapos nagboxing, naging kulay tae ang buhok, naging kulay kalawang, at sa huli naging magaling na boksingero...marahil kung naranasan ko yun, malamang gugustuhin ko ring mag artista at tumulong sa kapwa, kahit na hindi ko alam ang ginagawa ko...
Monday, November 02, 2009
masakit ang ngipin ko...
National Consciousness Month for Punctuality and Civility pala ngayong buwan... at hindi ako nakaabot sa pagpaparehistro...Tae...sobra sayang... So much for punctuality and civility...kayo na bahala kung sino favorite niyong trapo...wala na sa hinlalaki ko ang kinabukasan ng pinas...
bale masakit ang ngipin ko...ayoko nang magpaenrol...
nakakatamad kapag masakit ang ngipin...
lalo na kung tamad ka talaga...
masarap matulog kung tamad ka...
lalo na kapag masakit ang ngipin mo...
may naalala lang ako...
masakit ang ngipin ko...
masakit...
masaklap...
i'm not worthy...
ang galing mo kasi eh...
at hindi masakit ang ngipin mo...
yung akin bulok...
bulok...
di na nakakatuwa eh...
lalo na kpag masakit ang ngipin mo...
may naaalala kang masaklap...
at ayaw mo nang magpaenrol...
ang sakit sa mata...
at sa ngipin...
puta wala ka na nang nagawang maganda masakit pa ngipin mo...
puta talaga...
nakakapanghinayang tuloy...
masakit na eh...
nasa gilid lang naman ako...oo na sira sira na ako...
bulok...butas butas, at kahit anong tago ko eh halatang halata pa rin ang kapintasan ko...
mahirap pala yung pilitin mo yung bagay bagay...dahil balang araw mahihirapan ka na rin at masasaktan...
lahat nang pagtitiis at pagsunod sa lahat nang ibinigay niya at pinakain...
kinaya ko...at pinaghirapan...tiniis...
kahit lahat nung di mo kayang nguyain...at di ko kayang gawin...
pinaghirapan ko...kahit na nabubulok na ako at unti-unting nasisira at nasasaktan...
di ko na kayang takpan ang aking kahinaan...
halos anim na taon na rin naman ksing ganito eh...
nasira na rin sa bawat daan nang oras...
at sa bawat pagpipilit at pagpapanggap na malakas ako...
pero hindi eh...mahina eh...may butas...may pasak lang...
balang araw lalabas at lalabas rin ang aking kahinaan...
di na ko tulad ng dati...
mahina na ako...at baka magulat ka kapag nakita mo kung ano na ang nangyari sa akin...
salamat sa pag-aalala at pangangalaga...
sa bawat pag-toothbrush mo...kahit minsan nakakaligtaan mo...
ngayon siguro balewala na ang lahat...
pipilitin ko pa rin...pero hindi ako manhid...at ikaw rin...
masasaktan at masasktan ako...
pero hindi ako mawawala...
sana...
pasensya na di ko kayang nguyain yung medyo matigas na yema...
dumikit sa akin eh...
ang tamis...ang sakit...
ayan tuloy nasaktan ka rin...buti may mefenamic acid ka...
balewala ang toothpaste eh...(at wala nang colgate sa mga groceries)...
panandaliang lunas... dagliang pagkawala nang sakit...
at kaunting oras lng...darating at darating uli ang sakit...
para kang bagang na sira sira...
na may pasta yung sobrang laking butas...
ung di kinaya yung matamis na sobrang hirap nguyain na yema...
bulok...
parang ako...
at mas masakit ito kasi mamaya lang babalik na uli ung sakit ng ngipin ko...
hahaha...di pa pala ako manhid sa mga ganitong bagay...
at di ko na rin muna hahanapin yung yema na nagpasakit ng ngipin ko...
at sa bawat kirot sa loob ng bibig ko...babalik at babalik pa rin ang alaala mo...
tanginang yema yan...
iiwasan na kita...
nakakatamad...
bale masakit ang ngipin ko...ayoko nang magpaenrol...
nakakatamad kapag masakit ang ngipin...
lalo na kung tamad ka talaga...
masarap matulog kung tamad ka...
lalo na kapag masakit ang ngipin mo...
may naalala lang ako...
masakit ang ngipin ko...
masakit...
masaklap...
i'm not worthy...
ang galing mo kasi eh...
at hindi masakit ang ngipin mo...
yung akin bulok...
bulok...
di na nakakatuwa eh...
lalo na kpag masakit ang ngipin mo...
may naaalala kang masaklap...
at ayaw mo nang magpaenrol...
ang sakit sa mata...
at sa ngipin...
puta wala ka na nang nagawang maganda masakit pa ngipin mo...
puta talaga...
nakakapanghinayang tuloy...
masakit na eh...
nasa gilid lang naman ako...oo na sira sira na ako...
bulok...butas butas, at kahit anong tago ko eh halatang halata pa rin ang kapintasan ko...
mahirap pala yung pilitin mo yung bagay bagay...dahil balang araw mahihirapan ka na rin at masasaktan...
lahat nang pagtitiis at pagsunod sa lahat nang ibinigay niya at pinakain...
kinaya ko...at pinaghirapan...tiniis...
kahit lahat nung di mo kayang nguyain...at di ko kayang gawin...
pinaghirapan ko...kahit na nabubulok na ako at unti-unting nasisira at nasasaktan...
di ko na kayang takpan ang aking kahinaan...
halos anim na taon na rin naman ksing ganito eh...
nasira na rin sa bawat daan nang oras...
at sa bawat pagpipilit at pagpapanggap na malakas ako...
pero hindi eh...mahina eh...may butas...may pasak lang...
balang araw lalabas at lalabas rin ang aking kahinaan...
di na ko tulad ng dati...
mahina na ako...at baka magulat ka kapag nakita mo kung ano na ang nangyari sa akin...
salamat sa pag-aalala at pangangalaga...
sa bawat pag-toothbrush mo...kahit minsan nakakaligtaan mo...
ngayon siguro balewala na ang lahat...
pipilitin ko pa rin...pero hindi ako manhid...at ikaw rin...
masasaktan at masasktan ako...
pero hindi ako mawawala...
sana...
pasensya na di ko kayang nguyain yung medyo matigas na yema...
dumikit sa akin eh...
ang tamis...ang sakit...
ayan tuloy nasaktan ka rin...buti may mefenamic acid ka...
balewala ang toothpaste eh...(at wala nang colgate sa mga groceries)...
panandaliang lunas... dagliang pagkawala nang sakit...
at kaunting oras lng...darating at darating uli ang sakit...
para kang bagang na sira sira...
na may pasta yung sobrang laking butas...
ung di kinaya yung matamis na sobrang hirap nguyain na yema...
bulok...
parang ako...
at mas masakit ito kasi mamaya lang babalik na uli ung sakit ng ngipin ko...
hahaha...di pa pala ako manhid sa mga ganitong bagay...
at di ko na rin muna hahanapin yung yema na nagpasakit ng ngipin ko...
at sa bawat kirot sa loob ng bibig ko...babalik at babalik pa rin ang alaala mo...
tanginang yema yan...
iiwasan na kita...
nakakatamad...
Saturday, October 31, 2009
syet umuulan...
This is how it started… light drizzles beckoning another downpour beckoning another rainfall that seems to keep falling in eternity...damn...nothing beats a rainy night listening to iron and wine songs and a haunting thought of a possible repeat of a deluge looming with every subsequent trickle of raindrops in the roofs...every surge of rainfall brings me a day closer to that horrific inundation just a month ago...it so eerily similar its daunting and really horrifying...and the trickles of rain quickly intensifies, producing its own strange and intimidating onomatopoeia to my auditory nerves and into my scrambled flood-deluded mind...
history shouldn't repeat itself in just a month, or if it does, its recurrence, as the idea of eternal return suggests should not ensue after only 30 days. Or does it not apply to typhoons? Climate Change perhaps suggests otherwise, and the rain slowly gathers itself yet again, tumult and unrest also slowly becomes lucid in my mind, with intent of submerging the whole Philippines under the raging waters and perhaps under our own mistakes,( and farcical disaster movies with superfluous CGI effects as an excuse for a lame storyline does not even count )
It's just isn't fair anymore, granted natural disasters are never really fair, even when it also submerges in mud and water luxurious homes and fancy cars, because I could never see parity even when both our feet are covered in thick piles of dried brown filth, which may or may not be shit,. or perhaps it is really fair, greenhouse gas emissions and chlorofluorocarbon do have their consequent effects, and we suffer the brunt of it in expense of the whole world, which is really unfair, all things considered.
The raindrops are slowly fizzling, and the mass paranoia educed by the earlier debacles, led us to believe that this is a false sense of hope, and even if your dubious weather forecasters are always erratic (which also is a source of false hope) it could still not dampen the prevalent fears that now torment us (and the rain started to gather itself yet again, proving that the mass paranoia is legit, and fizzles yet again). And I still can't sleep, this is how it began during the last Saturday of September, and the rain lashes out strongly atop our house, and this time with ferocity, worrying my clouded mind, and putting my hopes of awakening in a peaceful sunny morning dangling outside the confinements of our house, in the eye of the typhoon, scrambling for its sorry life.
This is how real life wax poetic upon us, this is how every metaphors we conjured up are used this time upon us. The tempest and the storm of our lonely existence are now their moment of solitude and sadness. Their grief now an inconsolable flood that washed us away, and left us waist-deep in filth and knee deep in our fear. This is how they spend their lonely nights listening to lonely tunes, trying to keep moving in life, trying to wash away the painful memories and the feelings that stupidly lingers when it shouldn't. this is their emotional breakdown, their sincerest pleas and dearest hopes, their metaphorical storms seeking the metaphorical daylight upon us, hoping to give a metaphorical rainbow in our fucked-up life of ironies and sarcasms.
(and the rain outside slightly weakens...and please let me sleep...)
history shouldn't repeat itself in just a month, or if it does, its recurrence, as the idea of eternal return suggests should not ensue after only 30 days. Or does it not apply to typhoons? Climate Change perhaps suggests otherwise, and the rain slowly gathers itself yet again, tumult and unrest also slowly becomes lucid in my mind, with intent of submerging the whole Philippines under the raging waters and perhaps under our own mistakes,( and farcical disaster movies with superfluous CGI effects as an excuse for a lame storyline does not even count )
It's just isn't fair anymore, granted natural disasters are never really fair, even when it also submerges in mud and water luxurious homes and fancy cars, because I could never see parity even when both our feet are covered in thick piles of dried brown filth, which may or may not be shit,. or perhaps it is really fair, greenhouse gas emissions and chlorofluorocarbon do have their consequent effects, and we suffer the brunt of it in expense of the whole world, which is really unfair, all things considered.
The raindrops are slowly fizzling, and the mass paranoia educed by the earlier debacles, led us to believe that this is a false sense of hope, and even if your dubious weather forecasters are always erratic (which also is a source of false hope) it could still not dampen the prevalent fears that now torment us (and the rain started to gather itself yet again, proving that the mass paranoia is legit, and fizzles yet again). And I still can't sleep, this is how it began during the last Saturday of September, and the rain lashes out strongly atop our house, and this time with ferocity, worrying my clouded mind, and putting my hopes of awakening in a peaceful sunny morning dangling outside the confinements of our house, in the eye of the typhoon, scrambling for its sorry life.
This is how real life wax poetic upon us, this is how every metaphors we conjured up are used this time upon us. The tempest and the storm of our lonely existence are now their moment of solitude and sadness. Their grief now an inconsolable flood that washed us away, and left us waist-deep in filth and knee deep in our fear. This is how they spend their lonely nights listening to lonely tunes, trying to keep moving in life, trying to wash away the painful memories and the feelings that stupidly lingers when it shouldn't. this is their emotional breakdown, their sincerest pleas and dearest hopes, their metaphorical storms seeking the metaphorical daylight upon us, hoping to give a metaphorical rainbow in our fucked-up life of ironies and sarcasms.
(and the rain outside slightly weakens...and please let me sleep...)
Thursday, October 15, 2009
please do not try to not understand what i am really no longer not trying to not say
man sometimes reason out in the most unreasonable way that he seem to want you to not understand him. he speaks not his true intentions that you would seem to not understand, when in essence he just want to tell you something that you didn't need to bother to not know, or would seem to imply that he needed to tell you something that is not in his words but merely hidden in the words he tries not to say for you to not understand and go away, when in reality, he doesn't want you to, because he need to tell you something that he could not say and you would not understand, but he will eventually try not to reason out just so you would not realize that what he is not trying to say is merely words that you should never not hear from the words that he is not trying to not speak. this isn't to say that i am insincere because actually i am, i just don't know what not to not speak to you, or what i should, i'm terrible with words, so please hear what i am not trying to say, for i can not speak everything that i intended to not speak to you, because even in the shroud of doubts and hesitation you will see how insincere i am not.
do you not see what i am no longer not saying to you? do you no longer not understand what i am not already speaking to you? i am no longer not trying to be unreasonable, so please do not hear what i am not speaking but do not try to not listen to what i am not ready to not try to open up, i am fizzling, under the beam of light, i no longer cannot be silent or dumb, i could no longer unable to not contain my sudden moments of grief, whenever i could not know what i can not be able to not see, whenever i am clueless to what i am not able to see, i feel i really am not existing or at least do not feel like i am really unable to not exist without not knowing what i should not be able to really not feel, perhaps i could really not know nothing about you, especially today, not that i try not to think nothing about how you have been these past few years, because oddly enough, i do think about it, and yes i do think i do not know nothing about how your life have not turn into. my life that i have not envisioned is surely not unfolding about how it should not have been all along, and i love the way i stopped making sense here, such self-depreciation often mitigates the effect of the actual self-depreciation itself, no longer making sense like the reasonable man that i am really not.
life is really full of surprises i guess, and doubts and feelings that no longer try not to express to you and words that no longer mean what it should never not always could have not meant, and ears that could no longer not hear, when it could no longer unable to not listen to the words i intently not try to never not speak to you always. i reason out unreasonably falling apart awkwardly in my own, still trying to speak what my mind could no longer not try to say out to you.
do you not see what i am no longer not saying to you? do you no longer not understand what i am not already speaking to you? i am no longer not trying to be unreasonable, so please do not hear what i am not speaking but do not try to not listen to what i am not ready to not try to open up, i am fizzling, under the beam of light, i no longer cannot be silent or dumb, i could no longer unable to not contain my sudden moments of grief, whenever i could not know what i can not be able to not see, whenever i am clueless to what i am not able to see, i feel i really am not existing or at least do not feel like i am really unable to not exist without not knowing what i should not be able to really not feel, perhaps i could really not know nothing about you, especially today, not that i try not to think nothing about how you have been these past few years, because oddly enough, i do think about it, and yes i do think i do not know nothing about how your life have not turn into. my life that i have not envisioned is surely not unfolding about how it should not have been all along, and i love the way i stopped making sense here, such self-depreciation often mitigates the effect of the actual self-depreciation itself, no longer making sense like the reasonable man that i am really not.
life is really full of surprises i guess, and doubts and feelings that no longer try not to express to you and words that no longer mean what it should never not always could have not meant, and ears that could no longer not hear, when it could no longer unable to not listen to the words i intently not try to never not speak to you always. i reason out unreasonably falling apart awkwardly in my own, still trying to speak what my mind could no longer not try to say out to you.
Sunday, October 04, 2009
tungkol sa ragasa nang tubig at malakas na anod na baha...
"i want that experience where your whole life flashes right in front of you, in a lucid and frantic way"
So much for an experience that could make your whole life flash in front of you...damn...in alucid and frantic way no less... i expected it to be in my solitary desolation...and this yearning for a real life experience leaves me inundated and soaked waist-deep in a raging deluge of river water, piss, shit, mud, sweat, spit, tears and everything else that was unprepared to the fluvial rampage that wreak havoc and severely stricken my beloved clean pink city in the untimely moments of that Saturday afternoon... whoever gave that typhoon such ridiculous name should be blamed for the torrential surge of tepid murky waters....i would have gone berserk too if i was baptized with a horrendous excuse for a name... and i am glad we're safe now...although that warm feeling of relief quickly disintegrates whenever i hear the tragic fate of others who were submerged in otherworldly levels of torrents...it actually feels worse when you know you're suppose to actually feel better even if you were half-dipped in a pool of brown water, with threats of diseases creeping into your soaking wet body, after hurling another refrigerator out of harm's way...then a washing machine... your pet dog... your god damn personal computer dismantled and saved into a higher ground... your television...meanwhile death tolls multiply and your favorite mall, a day after, is now reduced to a grim ruins of shards of broken glasses, wet appliances and goods stolen by scavengers in hope of salvaging something valuable...even if it was just a metal scrap of an air conditioner, fingers-crossed for another kilogram of wet corroded metal...
we are safe now...my favorite ps2 isn't...with memories of my recent NBA 2k9 game, a 158-56 thrashing of Sac Kings, giving me a slight pang of regret... but that ps2 was an actual human body for the other casualties of the calamity, that final score a memory of others that educe regrets for his her family members, worse it might hav been the only child of a couple somewhere, still reeking the stench smell of tragedy that beckoned their measly life... putting everything else in its proper perspective, we are still grateful, and you are too...good to know you only bicker for disrupted signals and black outs and the ennui that ensues whenever you are left in front of a low lit fire of a wax candle...they bicker for something bigger...and no it isn't fb...
that night really was the darkest...while others were trying hard to wake up from their bad dreams, i was busy trying to sleep from my own nightmare happening while i'm wide awake...this must have been the feeling of others...this isn't the experience that i wanted...no life flashed in my eyes...just fear...just fucking nothing...but waist deep waters, and the sad fate of others...
our spirits maybe dampened, bodies soaked and drenched with sweat tears and flood waters, memories washed away and photographs damaged(i failed to save the only photograph of you in my possession, that really feels bad,although the bigger truth feels worse, fluvial thoughts aside) house ravaged, but we will eventually emerge from this mess a better individual...hopefully...what doesn't entirely ruin/inundate your life (or in our part your beloved home) only makes you stronger...and please spare us from another typhoon,too...never give them a bad name again, at least extract something else from your creative juices, whoever you are whose job is to name potential disasters entering our area of responsibility...the philippines need more altruistic and selflessly devoted people and less cynics and selfish pieces of waste dump...
***at sa isang araw, i will be back doing things i am basically at worst...when did education became a breeding nest for future zombified somnambulistic employees?i am the future useless trash of humanity...the abject failure of every company group that sells itself as "success" and "future millionaires" which i will never ever trust regardless of whether they can really spawn successful millionaires(read: my classmate)...the non-productive statistic, the potential slacker of the capitalistic new era of corporate dressers...i want my life, and that's why i can't have it... this is not the proper way to live a prosperous life and this isn't the proper way to ruin a life, too...and if you ever have to choose between the two, at least do it right...nakakaasar na eh, wala ka nang nagawang mabuti, san ba dapat ako lumugar? hindi ganito ang tamang pagwasak sa mundo, at hindi rin ito ang tamang landas pra mabuhay...anak ng puta maling mali ako ah...hindi ko na-miss ang internet at facebook last week...at natuwa ako...at least nlaman ko na kaya ko pa pala mabuhay nang wala ang internet...di ko na rin naman na-eenjoy eh... somnambulistic and zombified indeed...we do something sometimes when we don't do something else...dyan at nagsimula ang noontime shows...phenomena ata ung ganun ngaun eh...or maybe not...
I read somewhere... how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong... but to feel strong...
"There are a lot of things we don't want to know about the people we love."
-fight club (kakatapos ko lng basahin...balak kong panoorin)
So much for an experience that could make your whole life flash in front of you...damn...in alucid and frantic way no less... i expected it to be in my solitary desolation...and this yearning for a real life experience leaves me inundated and soaked waist-deep in a raging deluge of river water, piss, shit, mud, sweat, spit, tears and everything else that was unprepared to the fluvial rampage that wreak havoc and severely stricken my beloved clean pink city in the untimely moments of that Saturday afternoon... whoever gave that typhoon such ridiculous name should be blamed for the torrential surge of tepid murky waters....i would have gone berserk too if i was baptized with a horrendous excuse for a name... and i am glad we're safe now...although that warm feeling of relief quickly disintegrates whenever i hear the tragic fate of others who were submerged in otherworldly levels of torrents...it actually feels worse when you know you're suppose to actually feel better even if you were half-dipped in a pool of brown water, with threats of diseases creeping into your soaking wet body, after hurling another refrigerator out of harm's way...then a washing machine... your pet dog... your god damn personal computer dismantled and saved into a higher ground... your television...meanwhile death tolls multiply and your favorite mall, a day after, is now reduced to a grim ruins of shards of broken glasses, wet appliances and goods stolen by scavengers in hope of salvaging something valuable...even if it was just a metal scrap of an air conditioner, fingers-crossed for another kilogram of wet corroded metal...
we are safe now...my favorite ps2 isn't...with memories of my recent NBA 2k9 game, a 158-56 thrashing of Sac Kings, giving me a slight pang of regret... but that ps2 was an actual human body for the other casualties of the calamity, that final score a memory of others that educe regrets for his her family members, worse it might hav been the only child of a couple somewhere, still reeking the stench smell of tragedy that beckoned their measly life... putting everything else in its proper perspective, we are still grateful, and you are too...good to know you only bicker for disrupted signals and black outs and the ennui that ensues whenever you are left in front of a low lit fire of a wax candle...they bicker for something bigger...and no it isn't fb...
that night really was the darkest...while others were trying hard to wake up from their bad dreams, i was busy trying to sleep from my own nightmare happening while i'm wide awake...this must have been the feeling of others...this isn't the experience that i wanted...no life flashed in my eyes...just fear...just fucking nothing...but waist deep waters, and the sad fate of others...
our spirits maybe dampened, bodies soaked and drenched with sweat tears and flood waters, memories washed away and photographs damaged(i failed to save the only photograph of you in my possession, that really feels bad,although the bigger truth feels worse, fluvial thoughts aside) house ravaged, but we will eventually emerge from this mess a better individual...hopefully...what doesn't entirely ruin/inundate your life (or in our part your beloved home) only makes you stronger...and please spare us from another typhoon,too...never give them a bad name again, at least extract something else from your creative juices, whoever you are whose job is to name potential disasters entering our area of responsibility...the philippines need more altruistic and selflessly devoted people and less cynics and selfish pieces of waste dump...
***at sa isang araw, i will be back doing things i am basically at worst...when did education became a breeding nest for future zombified somnambulistic employees?i am the future useless trash of humanity...the abject failure of every company group that sells itself as "success" and "future millionaires" which i will never ever trust regardless of whether they can really spawn successful millionaires(read: my classmate)...the non-productive statistic, the potential slacker of the capitalistic new era of corporate dressers...i want my life, and that's why i can't have it... this is not the proper way to live a prosperous life and this isn't the proper way to ruin a life, too...and if you ever have to choose between the two, at least do it right...nakakaasar na eh, wala ka nang nagawang mabuti, san ba dapat ako lumugar? hindi ganito ang tamang pagwasak sa mundo, at hindi rin ito ang tamang landas pra mabuhay...anak ng puta maling mali ako ah...hindi ko na-miss ang internet at facebook last week...at natuwa ako...at least nlaman ko na kaya ko pa pala mabuhay nang wala ang internet...di ko na rin naman na-eenjoy eh... somnambulistic and zombified indeed...we do something sometimes when we don't do something else...dyan at nagsimula ang noontime shows...phenomena ata ung ganun ngaun eh...or maybe not...
I read somewhere... how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong... but to feel strong...
"There are a lot of things we don't want to know about the people we love."
-fight club (kakatapos ko lng basahin...balak kong panoorin)
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