something is really obstructing the flow of my inner spiritual energy...

ganun ba tawag dun?...haha...di ko alam...di ako makapagconcentrate... my state of mind is in disarray...my thoughts are always clouded...di ko alam...di ako makapag-isip(at makapag-sulat) nang matino kahit na walang kabuluhan naman yung dapat kong isipin (at ilagay sa isang journal...parang ganito...) alam ko nondescript  ito at kung ano mang tungkol sakin, pero hindi yun ung punto nang nilalagay ko dito(at hindi rin ito ung punto ko...) basta parang laging may mali...hindi ako makapag-focus...at hindi ako nageexaggerate...haha...kahit na ilang beses akong makinig sa phoenix (malamang nakikinig ka rin dun...kung nababasa mo ito) di pa rin ako makapg isip nang mabuti...kaya siguro ung  inner spiritual flow ung may problema..haha...kumbaga walang harmony...haha...naghahanap na naman ako nang sisisihin kpag di ko na alam ang gagawin ko...ganito na lng ba palagi tayo? o ako? lgi na lang naghahanap nang scapegoat...basta may mali pa rin...prang nawalan na ko nang gana...siguro iba yun sa pagiging tamad... tapos mag-oonline ka, o kaya facebook, o kaya bibisita sa kung saan saang multiply site makikita mo lagi laging may patungkol sa thesis, profs, org activities, papers etc...kahit sabihin mong nahihirapan sila...pero yung fact na ginawa pa nilang stat msg un eh parang indication na gusto nila ung ginagawa nila...which i couldn't do myself...which i couldn't tell even to myself... oo naiinggit ako sa kanila...at least alam nila ung ginagawa nila...may saysay...ito yung kinakatakot ko, at ito yung kinakatakot ko na baka di nila maintindihan..."ok lng yan" sabi niya...oo, ok lang yan, ito ang pang-isangdaan na beses na sasabihin ng bibig ko yan at pang isangdaang beses na rin na papakinggan nang aking tenga...wla ksing motivation eh...haha...o inspiration...pero khit naman meron eh, prang mali pa rin eh...mas masaya pang magbasa nang mga song titles ng of montreal eh(at makinig sa knila)...at wala rin ako sa mood para magbasa o makinig ng mga kanta...o magsulat o gumawa nang assignments... di ko na rin talaga alam kung ano ung gusto ko...ah basta...ano yun? aaahh...there really is no radio cure...electronic surgical words...at the end of the day mp3s are really just mp3s...

o siguro...

 something is really obstructing the flow of my inner spiritual energy...ewan...

tatandaan ko na lang...minsan noong grade six ako'y sobrang na-hook up kay michael jackson dahil dun sa tv special nung isang music cable channel na mas kilala sa pagkakaroon nang lyrics para makapag-sing along ka(ito yata yung channel bago naging myx...vid-ok ata ung pangalan nung channel...ugh) commemoration of sorts ata... 24 hour non-stop michael jackson music videos ang pinalabas nila...parang naka-loop...napanood ko ata lahat nang ginawa niyang music videos pati ung latest niya (you rock my world ata un...i can't vividly remember everything, damn you chester benington, bigla tuloy akong napag-isip isip kung bakit ko pinagtuunan nang  pansin ang linkin park nang buong grade six ko...not that there was anything bad about it, in fact it was like a social norm back then, especially to someone fond of rock music...but looking back, it just still feels weird...what might be the linkin parks, the limp bizkits, the korns, the deftones or even slapshock of today's generation?... those bands that seem to represent the counter-culture for teens...where music becomes less about music and more about aesthetics...you feel you need to listen to those bands they are way edgier... drop all those middle fingers in the second verse of a noisy almost-senseless song and they will feel proud...they weren't suppose to curse back then, but it feels so damn cool, doing it...and then you would realize that linkin park is too kind to drop the f word and you would soon drop their record...and everything else is history...malapit na ang rennaisance nila, andyan na ung katmbas ng moffatts eh...)

anyways, yeah somewhere michael jackson is moonwalking...peacefully...

how does it feel being bastardized right in front of your own set of eyes?
hindi lang yung basta basta panggagago ah, yung isang malaking panggagago sa harapan mo...at ikaw yung ginagago...tapos ang tangi mong magawa eh sabihing mali yung ginagawa niya, teka hindi lang mali, napakasama pa nung ginagawa niya harap harapan sa pagmumukha mo...na parang sinasabi na mukha ka namang tanga eh, kaya itutuloy ko pa rin ang panggagago sa harap mo... puta wala nang gimik na ginagamit eh, wala nang subtle effects, wala nang tago tago...harapang panggagago na ito...gusto ko ring may gawin ako...gusto kong may gawin ako bukod sa alam kong nanggagago sila...parepareho kami... ang tanging ginagawa humarap sa kompyuter at tanggapin ang mga kagaguhan nila... akala mo sila  lang ang may kasalanan...yun pala tayo tayo rin ang may ginagawang masama kung ipagpatuloy pa nila ang kagaguhan nila... kaya tuwang tuwa ang mga buwaya eh, lagi nating pinapakain nang pera, kahit di natin alam kung saan napupunta... tapos gusto mo pang magcongressman mr. pound for pound king manny pacquiao...sa lagay ngayon, kung ang hangad mo eh tumulong sa kapwa, yan dapat ang huling bagay na papasok sa utak mo...parang nananadya na eh...

teka 19 na pala ako...at gusto kong makaboto for the first time next year...kahit wala pa akong maisip na iboboto...panay cheap publicity ang gimik eh...panay naman ang kagat natin...sana naman makaboto ako....and yes sana matuloy ang botohan...mapa-computer man o papel...


*ewan dapat two days ago pa 2 eh...lourd de veyra kasi eh...haha.. parang ganun din kasi ung nasa isip ko eh...pero something isn't right...basta parang may mali...parang may niluluto pa silang iba eh...bukod dun sa pagiging makapal ang mukha nila...haha...parang may plano...the less subtle it becomes the more subtle it gets....minsan ganun eh...


naisip ko lang, buti hindi pa 1984-ish ung internet satin tulad nung sa china...blurring parts of history... siguro kung nasa china ka malamang di mo na mababasa itong news na ito...

buti na lng nag-subside ung bigllang galit ko nung isang araw...haha...biglang may nag-trigger eh...tapos kaboom... basta nung may nakita lang akong isang tao... basta nung alas-3 ng hapon...tae... haha.... sayang lang ung last post ko, hehe, ganda pa naman nung topic nun, haha, di lng napansin, like my older posts, tungkol pa naman yun sa isang zombie na nainggit sa isang bampira...yeah whatever...  at kung pano siya natypecast at ung bampira naging isang romantic literary device imbes na maging katulad nung zombie... grabe na mga gimik nang tao ngayon...haha...parang mga commercial nang mga tatakbong presidente, o mga gimik nang mga nagpapahiwatig na tatakbo ata nang bise presidente (maghahalo pala ang balat sa tinalupan ah, tae kung mag-overreact, tpos hero pa ang tinawag nung isang columnista sa dyaryo dahil dun sa pagsiwalat diumano nung sex scandal nang isang doctor at isang artista, galing galing)

anyways, lakas ng ulan, sarap matulog ng 12-15 hours, tapos pagkagising makinig sa the postmarks ...and who the hell are the postmarks? you might ask... nagmula ata sila sa alimuom, at sadyang pinakanta para sa mga malalamig na sandali tuwing umuulan...ok naman silang patugtugin sa iyong fictional gramophone habang nasa harap ka nang iyong fictional fireplace at umiinom nang mainit na kape habang may fictional na snowstorm sa labas nang iyong fictional wood cabin na nasa isang fictional mountain...preferably sa french alps siguro...o kung may yelo sa pinas siguro sa sierra madre...

ok naman sila, lalo na ung boses nung female vocalist...ok naman sila sa malamig na gabi...siguro...o siguro kpag gusto mong matulog...

anyways nba finals na pala...bukas...and i'm hoping magback-to-back ang east as champions...and it would really be much sweeter as it will be at the expense of the los angeles lakers...sorry laker fans, sana matalo sila...hehe...at isang beses lang talaga ako naging laker fan, nung 2006, nasilat pa nang suns....as usual underdog na naman ang magic...tpos ung favorite player ko sa magic na si courtney lee ang babantayan si kobe...haha...sayang injured pa si jameer, siya pa naman ung laker-killer nung regular season... magic in 6...haha...

anyways ulit, masaya ba facebook?

he hoped to be relevant, he wanted to find the right answer for her, no he didn't want the right answer, supposedly. he rummaged through his collection of thoughts, trying to find the wittiest banter, hoping his witty rebuttal could extract a few short responses from her, hoping to be relevant, in a way he could only muster his strengths, hoping to be subtle, to be liked, hoping to be a part of twenty-first century romantic fiction. and he could only convey his most sincere thoughts into the two syllables he knew he could only speak

he was a sinister-looking romantic hopeful, paling in comparison, in all aspects, to the six-sentence description of the flawed male protagonist in his dream novel, festooned with adjectives to make him more appealing and  enticing to the reader. he can never be like him, six sentences or even paragraphs can never make his flaws interesting like him, he will always be just another pale looking monster, trying to find his place away from the sounds of shotgun shells bursting through flesh in a busy police station of some virus-infested city and into the cloying words of teenage girls falling in love to another pale character like him.

"and by the fifth paragraph i will break through the wall and go back to my old life,   i'm not suppose to be jealous, and i'm not suppose to love, but i still hoped to be relevant. i'm still hoping to feel alive, hoping to find love, and finally become more than just a lifeless fodder in my nocturnal existence, and i know you won't notice how it kills me, how i bravely walked through every morning light just to see you, in the slowest of paces i tried my best to run, roaming as the sunlight permeates and seeps through my skin, slowly burning my flesh, still trying to be relevant hoping to catch your eyes. i am almost good as dead, i am half alive, i suppose to be a creative input for a postmodern melodrama. i have a lot of deadpan comedy, i can be a part of a tragicomedy romantic novel. but just like how i can't be relevant to your eyes, i can never shake off the typecast tag in the vision of aspiring novelists worldwide."
 and even in his most unfeigned sentiment, words could only come in syncopated monosyllables. words were never his ally, he will forever be just a howling monster, perhaps tacit and humane, and mostly misunderstood in the direst of ways even for a monster to imagine.

he doesn't want to be a part of the horde anymore, with every calm clicking striking a fear in him, he is good as dead, he remembered, human emotions doesn't apply to him, at least it shouldn't, but he was given enough liberty by someone to be part of the other side of being half-dead, still wishing to be relevant. he wish not to be a part of a george romero remake anymore, he wants a new life, still jealous to someone he thought to be just like him, pale and not human. he wants to talk, he wants subtext  and character development, he wants to utter a cheesy line deserving of admiration, from you. he knew no other way than to be a part of a five paragraph attempt  of trying to find relevance, trying to capture your attention, while he burns, under the sunlight, under the pressure of being more than just himself.  and he was reminded of why he will never be more than his given existence.

his head exploded as he jumped out and into a waiting shotgun, trying to create his own climax, breaking through a glass window of a secluded cabin, with his ideas of being part of a romantic novel bursting into the air, another gunshot to the left part of his body and his desires of being relevant vanquished, scattering a sordid mess, draping his innards in the face of  the b-list actor and his flesh hugging the whole  three-second scene of a cliche horror movie remake. and in his another attempt, his head was squashed by Ms. Valentine's lovely boots as he tried to crawl towards her feet, in search of love, and even his morbidity could not save the pathetic movie version of raccoon city's finest attraction.  meanwhile, someone like him, pale and neck-biting, is the modern day prince charming, tall and handsome, with the whole world swooning all over him, including her. he just wanted to be relevant, but she will never witness his most cathartic scene, as she continuously read the third book, hoping to be in love to someone else, someone more attractive and could pledge his love in polysyllables.

he died without ever realizing the difference between the twilight and the dawn of the time he was dead..

don't worry, he won't...rise up behind your eyes...and take wild control.He's not of this time,he fell out of a hole. ..





















somewhere
our dreams and hopes are
pinned in satellites
mistaken for shooting stars
transmitted in our daily lives
and watched by  million viewers
worldwide

naiinggit ako sa mga nasa labas namin na naglalaro nang tagu-taguan sa madaling araw...

kami dapat yun eh...

minus the booze and cancer sticks... sari-sariling trip siguro... tae sila...

kami dpat yung maiingay sa labas...sa amin yung halakhak na yun...

ako dapat yung nakatago dun sa nakaparadang jeep na sobrang init...

yung nasa madilim na eskinita...

kami dapat yung laging kumakaripas ng takbo...sa amin dapat yung galit nang mga nabubulabog sa tulog...

kayo dapat yung nasa bahay na tuwing alas-dose nang gabi...

kami dapat yung tambay sa labas, sa ilalim nang milyun-milyong kumikislap na tala...sa amin dapat yung kwentuhan tungkol sa mga chikas at nba playoffs...

ganda nang series nang lakers-rockets... pero hindi ako nakikipagkwentuhan sa labas...wala akong kakwentuhan...

naiinggit talaga ako sa mga nasa labas ngayon...di namin kailangan nang pangit na pangalan tulad niyo.... para sa amin kami yung taga looban at kayo pa rin ung taga kabilang looban...

mas masaya pa rin ang madaling araw namin kesa sa inyo.... hindi niyo sinasali ang pulis... hindi kayo nagmamadaling pumasok nang bahay tuwing paparating yung dilaw na sasakyan nang mga rumorondang parak...sila lagi ang huling taya...sa amin dapat ang gabi ngayon... kami dapat yung bida...

kami dapat yung masaya... 6 years ago...

natandaan ko tuloy yung summer rant ko 2 years ago...

wow...devastating...

ikaw na talaga ang susunod sa yapak ni dela hoya... kahit isa o dalawang taon na lng... frontpage nang kung anu-anong sports website eh...di ko expected na ganito kasikat si pacman, at hanggang tuktok pala nang boxing ang kaya niyang abutin, damn, one of the greatest all time... he is a monster...wow...parang may switch na kapag hindi boxing ang nasa utak (malamang sabong, si jinkee, mga anak niya, ung baketball team niya na mp gensan pacman na laging talo, ang magagarang upuan sa batasan, at mga babalatuhan) eh bigla siyang nagiging tao..

damn, that left hook was perfectly placed, and simply destructive, and lightning quick...

kinikilabutan pa rin ako... wow... parang pakiramdam ko mas mayaman lang siya sakin(12 million richer?...well deserving naman siya siguro eh... para dun sa 4000 per day na situps) para bang sobrang proud ako na may pinoy pala na magiging magaling sa buong mundo...natandaan ko tuloy ung pangit kong talumpati nung third year high school tungkol sa mga world class na pinoy ...he is the best boxer today, no doubt, maybe PBF can argue and talk smack about his own legacy, but he never settled the score in the ring. as talented as he is, he never fought every challenger in his sight, he cherry picked his opponents, and he never fought a legit top welterweight contender (cotto, mosley, williams, margarito etc) instead fought those he knew he can beat (hatton, gatti, baldomir, de la hoya) although i love his fight against ndou...

pero ang nakapanghihinayang lang, mas mapapansin ung legacy niya, 10 years from now... there will be doubters, and those who will question his life outside the four corners of the ring, and those that will, for some reasons mock his soaring popularity, ok he is that good, he is a one in a million boxer, and when he hung up his gloves (two years from now?) for a deceptively clean barong tagalog and a number 8 car plate, we might not see another lightning quick fist and powerful punches for at least another two decades (or if lucky enough, one of his sons inherit his natural speed and power...but history tells us that a son of a former boxer doesnt necessarily pan out even half as better than their senior...ie hearns, chavez) at least we still have nonito donaire (he is the real deal) but he's more of cerebral-type  and more technical, but also packs a punch (not pacman-like megaton-packed, but still), and will make waves for the next years (and he might be the next pacman, with better skills) kaya lang laging naiinjure ung kamao niya.. sana lang talaga makaharap niya si mayweather bago ung kung sino mang congressman/woman ung makabangga iya sa 2010... atleast un mas interesting...pound for pound...




**ewan ko lang, pero basta, tingin ko talaga, deep within us, naka-instill na ung mentality na talagang parang kahit anong mangyari di natin maiwasang magkimkim nang galit dun sa mga taong nakatataas...teka crab mentality ba tawag dun?...inde eh, pero basta parang natural born hater tayo dun sa mga nagiging sikat...we condemn them sometimes...di natin maipaliwanag... billboard dito...pangit na album sa kabila...walang kwentang palabas niya sa pinilakang tabing... nakakalungkot, kasi doon sa mga hindi sports o boxing fan, ito ang pagkakakilala sa kanya, just a mere sports icon...mas napapansin mo ung tv ung radyo ung malaki niyang kinita, ung pangit na akting niya, we see him as projected by media, as just another pop icon... mas may paki tayo dun sa mga ginagawa niya, not outside the boxing ring, but just through mainstream media...siya ung kilala nating tao... pakiramdam ko tuloy mas pansin nung ibang bansa ung galing niya, mas kilala siya kasi galing lang siya sa isang third world country but he is now on top of the boxing world...ano ba naman ang paki ko sa mundo nang pugilism...its part of the whole world...figuratively or literally... pero sa tingin nang iba, boxing lang naman yan eh, boksingero lang siya, parang napaka-overrated naman niya... sa tingin ko talaga sports celebrity ang siyang pinakakawawang celebrity...unless na patunayan mong may alam kang iba maliban sa chosen field mo, isa ka lang hamak na talentadong tao...sila ung laging under scrutiny... (kaya isa pinakainteresado ako sa mundo nang palakasan eh ung psyche nung mga sports athlete...)he just did his part for the country... sa kanya na yung kinita niyang pera, but that doesn't mean pera lang ang habol niya...kasi kung ako nasa kalagayan niya baka kumanta rin ako para sabihing sa inyo ang laban na ito... parang fairly or not, considered na magnified ung pagiging pinoy mo, representative ka na nang bansa...kahit ano mangyari...you did your part, that must account for something, i guess, modern hero or not, siguro naman dapat gawin na rin natin ung parte natin... that's what missing i guess... mas mahilig tayong magblabber mag-blog at magrant... ano na nga ba ang nagawa mo?

just watched this movie last night...





charlie kaufman really has that uncanny ability to write scripts that somehow  makes human emotions fascinating...he used the whole movie to depict the wretched, lonely , and depressed side of human life ,or he might have been telling my whole life all this time (you may allude to the fact that somehow, life is really depressing anyway, but, no we just don't see the whole point sometimes)...
the movie isn't really about the neurotic theater director, if you think more about life and less about the whole "story" or "point"  of the movie, you will soon realize how great charlie kaufman is...(there is a neurotic-theater-director part in each of us anyway) he somehow writes from a different point of view, about the human mind in general, and everything else is a metaphor...

maybe its just me, i guess, he just seems to use the whole movie device in a different dimension, basta di ko maexplain...ngaun ko lang kasi na-gets yung buong movie... gusto ko tuloy panoorin ulit...




*i've been reading kafka on the shore (haruki murakami) the whole day now ...and strangely enough that everything else is metaphor part seems to linger in the story.... coincidence i guess...the more it happens the more it becomes intriguing...but it seems time is so complex and dynamic and life is so diverse and profound to call every chance encounters or fortuities as  mere coincidences....but what the hell it's just a coincidence...and i've been living that 6:19 (no not rey mysterio) time coincidence for three years now...yes even in baskteball games i tend to always notice the clock at that specific time...but its just coincidence...strange coincidences...

mga nasa utak ko lang ngayon habang kumakain ng pork and beans...

ayun nga pork and beans...

di ko alam kung marami nang gumawa nang post tungkol sa pork and beans...

yung hunts...

(katulad nung mga post tungkol sa wowowee, na ayokong gawin kasi  mas expected na i-disregard mo ung mga noontime shows imbes na sabihin mong gusto mo ung show...mas expected na magalit ka sa tv show na ito kasi puro kalokohan...at kung tutuusin kaya maraming nanonood ng show na yun kasi gusto nang mga tao na bukas ang telebisyon tuwing alas-dose nang tanghali, at dahil puro home tv shopping o ung miracle knife or ung sauna na mukha kang tanga o ung butterfly abs ang nasa cable channels (o reruns nang telenobela...sayang wala na ung lunch box office) sa channel 2 o 7 natututok ang tv... o siguro talagang maraming manonood ang gustong makitang manalo ang ating kapwa pinoy, kung paano nakatutulong sa kapwa si willie at kung paano ang lahat nang gawin nila ay para talaga sa masa at wala silang pakielam sa ratings dahil ang talagang hangad nila ay makatulong sa mga kapus-palad na marunong sumayaw at kumanta...at kung balikbayan ka, ito ang unang pupuntahan mo...oh shit, napahaba...back to the ballgame...)

kasi ganito ilang beses na rin akong bumibili ng pork and beans... tapos ung pork and beans isa sa mga pinakapeculiar na pagkain na nailagay sa isang lata, basta, dahil siguro kung ibubuhos mo yung laman nung lata ang mapapansin mo kagad eh ung beans tapos ung thick sauce... ... tpos ung isang katiting na pork na minsan taba lang nang baboy, na para bang ibig sabihin na huwag mo nang hanapin ung baboy kasi beans naman talaga yung binili mo, tsaka ung hunt's na tomato sauce...siguro hindi ito ganun kahalaga o walang kwenta pero isipin mo pork and beans pa rin yung pangalan niya kahit na sa bawat ubos mo nung pagkain isang katiting na taba lagi ang maiiwan, kumbaga parang un lng ung role niya dun sa lata, for recognition na ito pa rin ung same old na pork and beans kahit na sa totoo, kahit wala na si pork, wala naman talagang mawawala, pathetic excuse na lang siya to remind us na pork and beans pa rin ung binibili mo, prok and beans pa rin ung sinasabi mo dun sa tindera, kahit na minsan wala naman talagang pork... case in point pork naman ung pangalan hindi porks, pero di nito ini-specify na ung pork eh di mo naman talaga kakainin kasi andun lang siya, balewala lang siya, pangalan lang siya, at isa lang siyang taba na malamang sa hindi eh maiiwan sa pinagkainan mo dahil ubos mo nang kainin yung tlgang kakainin mo...

balewala at parang recognition na lang siya... hindi ko alam kung ginawa yan para i-discourage ang mga muslim nating kapatid na kainin ung beans nila at ung sauce, pero walang masama kung gumawa ka nang isang conspiracy theory... kasi most of the time di naman totoo ung teorya, hoax lng, at most of the time ginawa lang yun para magmukha kang matalino...

pero alam mo ba yung pakiramdam na maging pork sa isang pork and beans?

alam mo ba ung pakiramdam na maging pork in the same context nung lata?

parang sa tutoong buhay, alam mo ba ung pakiramdam na balewala ka lang kahit kasama ka dun sa lata?

alam mo ba ung pakiramdam na ikaw lang ung "pork" at ikaw ung balewala?

kahit na pakiramdam mo kasama ka dun sa dahilan kung bakit ka kailangan pero sa huli ikaw ung itatapon?

kahit na alam mong title ka nang kanta nang weezer akala mo kasama ka dun sa gusto nang mga tao (blue album pa rin ang hanap nila at sweater song pa rin ang favorite nila...o siguro pinkerton at ung favorite kong kanta nila na el scorcho)

para kang left out, at hindi lang un, hindi ka pa talaga papansinin kahit na tinawag ung pangalan mo, parang ang sama nung pagkakakilala sa iyo...

eh paano kung indi ka naman talaga pork... pero pakiramdam mo baliwala ka?

tae walang kwenta, ano ba naman ang koneksyon nang pork and beans sa soical consciousness nang mga tao...o kahit dun sa demograpiya nang mga kumakain nito... wala...


pero, for the record, wala akong kilalang ganyan, yung bang pork lang sa lata nang buhay...haha... ubos na self- pity ko sa sarili para isama ang sarili ko dyan...

nag-update na ko tungkol dito dati... last year pa ata...kahit na sa utak ko mukhang nung karaang linggo ko lang in-edit ung nakita kong batang nakasakay sa eroplanong papel sa internet at nilagyan ng pula at blue na linya... it's a blur... pero dun ako unang nagsalita na gustong gusto ko na talagang magshift...pero punyemas naman, nasa ref, or freezer cguro, na ang utak ko pero nabubulok pa rin, inaanay na, ung mga natutunan ko naging suka na ako mismo ang nagluwal palabas... grossly overpaid siguro ang edukasyon ko, bakit kasi ang arte mo, sabi nang matututunan mo rin yan, pero parang hindi kasi bagay sakin eh, naisip ko tuloy parang love lang siguro yan, may swak na swak, match na match, at tanggap mo na ang kapalaran mo, eh paano kung kahit infatuation wala, shotgun marriage pa ang kinalabasan, pero hindi ko siya binuntis... wala dapat akong pananagutan, mas mahal ko ang iba, makikita ko rin siya, at ang mayaman kong mga magulang (or atleast ung nasa analogy ko, or is it metaphor?) pababayaan ako...hindi edukasyon ang punto ko...ok...

kasabay nung pagpapalit nang template ko nag-update ako tungkol dun sa nabasa kong libro na tungkol sa pinas...nakabasa na rin ako ng tungkol sa mga freemasons at yung misconception nang mga religious groups sa kanila, mostly Christians, nakabasa na rin ako tungkol sa religion nang mga Pinoy...malaking bagay yung wala kang klase nang tatlong oras, at mas ok kung dahil ito dun sa binagsak mong subject...(wala pa kong bagsak nung palit template not that you would mind anyway...)parang ito yung middle finger mo dun sa course na ayaw mong kunin, gawin ung gusto mo talagang gawin, although not intently, cguro subconciously parang nagkamalay ka na para bang gusto mong gawin ung isang bagay kesa dito sa isang bagay kasi parang mas gusto mong gawin itong isa kasi may nakita ka sa kanya na di mo man maaninag alam mo sasaya ka kahit parang wala kang patutunguhan at kahit sabihin nila na mas masarap matulog sa library o kaya magflirt (kuno... or something to that effect, magpacute...ayun) mas pinili mong magbasa kasi mas masaya ka dun...parang love...worst case, matatanga ka... kasi beyond dun sa collective consciousness yung parang napusuan mo, or para bang tamang trip lang, pero with heart... sino may sabing laging two way ang love... it's quite common na one way lang yan... gusto ko tuloy panoorin ang annie hall, baka maging hero ko na rin si woody allen...

hindi pa rin ito yung punto ko, i wanted to be so socially aware, alam mo yun, to the point na sumapi ako sa mga aktibista, at syempre di ko magagawa yan, sorry expressing yourself pala yan, mahina ako dyan, the more na gusto ko the more na parang pinanghihinaan ako nang loob... parang love... irritable minsan, parang catch-22 situation lang, para kasing out of place ako kung gawin ko man yun, para bang may mali, kahit gusto mo...like love, na parang kapag nag-express ka, mali eh, parang hindi swak parang hindi ka fit, even though it isn't really about fitting in... lging parang may nabubuhay sa kaibuturan nang pag-iisip ko kapag may nababasa ako o napapanood o naririnig tungkol sa social awareness or something, basta currrent issues, bigla akong nakikinig kay zach de la rocha at ang rage against the machine (or one day as a lion), parang yun ung knee jerk reaction ko, khit na kung titinginan mo yung big picture, parang wala namang koneksyon...nagmumukha akong trying hard, naiispoil ung utmost desire ko na gawin ung isa sa mga bagay na gusto ko... it sounded so awkward...fuck...

tae kakapanood lng kasi eh, haay,,, lilipas din ito, i hope it won't... mas gusto ko yung ganitong pakiramdam...parang love... yung kahit na para talagang isang malaking pagkakamali, kahit anong gawin mo hindi talaga pwedeng maging tama, or atleast ngayon, walang logic sa likod nang mga impulsive tendencies mo (it rarely has i guess), you just feel good, parang kpag narinig mo ung paborito mong musika,  nabasa mo ung ginawa mong walang kwentang sulatin, ung nakausap ka niya kahit small talk lang (kahit na ang sabi nila ung stage three daw  na communication level ung may sense...ung idea/opinion level)... basta ung pakiramdam lang na buhay ka...

galing talaga ni idol... hahaha... pero tingin ko apathetic pa rin talaga ako, maybe just like you... i don't know...i still feel that i am only pretending or something... ayoko lng talaga kasi na magalit dun sa isang bagay for all the wrong reasons, or magreklamo... at baka maniwala ako bigla sa sirkus nng buhay, at ang payaso hindi nakakatawa, cguro di ko lang maintindihan... tayo rin sa huli ang katawatawa... hahaha...


panoorin si lourd (napanood ko dun sa isang blog eh...hehe...)
watch http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wqgsr7Vssro

ok ung last part eh...


minsan gusto kong mniwala sa horoscope...haha...minsan ang galing ng hula eh mnsan parang sakto ung hula tapos parang di ka pinupwersa na maniwala ka o hindi ... tpos minsan gusto kong sapukin ung nagsulat ng horoscope... for the very same reasons...